Off Duty
by Majestic Narwhals
Summary: Ever wonder what happens when the LEPrecon is not protecting Haven? Or how they spend their lives outside of Police Plaza? Join your favorite LEP Officers in humorous adventures when they are "Off Duty"


**A/N: Hey! I decided to write a new set of one-shots! These will all be about what goes on in the LEP. Most of them will be funny. Even though my story is called "Off Duty" I might have some of them be about LEP missions. **

**Luckily, for those Commander Root fans, I will have most of my stories take place while he is still alive. I think most of them will be even before Artemis Fowl kidnapped Holly. **

**I hope you enjoy! **

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It was three o'clock p.m. Even though crime never takes a break, this was the slowest hour of the day. There was no paperwork upon usually littered desks, no criminals to be arrested, and most of all, no LEPrecon officers were around. The usually vibrant and loud Police Plaza was now vacant. Where would the officers be this time of the day? Most would assume at home, or patrolling Haven. No, These certain four officers were in a storage closet occupying their time dabbling in the friendly game of good ol' poker...

"Screw you Kelp!" Chix yelled, throwing down his cards in disgust. Chix Verbal liked to think he was a 'Shark' at poker, but when put in a real life poker match, he crumbled. At the first sign of losing, he folded and blamed his loss on anything. He would throw a tantrum, accusing somebody of having an ace up the sleeve or card counting. His most recent assumption was that Trouble was using a second fixed deck of cards just to deal to Chix. Everyone else in the group that he was over exaggerating, that's because he was.

Grub Kelp knew that he never had a chance. He was just an annoyance leaning over Trouble's shoulder. The younger brother was too scared to loose money. So, he would stand behind his older bother and whisper comments and compliments into his ear. To Trouble, it was just one more distraction that kept him from was here to win, but so was Holly.

Holly was taught how to play poker by her father. At a young age, she learned all the tricks and tells in poker. This was why Holly didn't need a job during college. Every Friday night, she would clean the boys out of cash. Holly's favorite technique was to build up the moment. Usually it would begin with the competitors fighting for dominance, the fights were usually vocal. As always, Holly would win the fight and then praise herself as the winning cards are set down on the table. Holly was using this tactic right now. Everyone else around the table had folded. It was just between Holly Short and Trouble Kelp. It was a moment of silence, eyeballing, and a single bead of sweat rolling down Trouble's face.

"You should just give up now, Princess. Poker is a man's game." Trouble said in the manliest voice he can, which isn't that hard considering he naturally has a deep and masculine tone.

"I can't wait until you go to hell, Trouble." Holly smirked.

"We're in the ground, Holly. We are all basically in a living hell!" Trouble laughed. One of his eyebrows was raised and his incisor was showing in a sarcastic grin.

"Then you won't have that long of a trip. I know how motion sick you can get." Holly teased. She leaned in closer, trying to intimidate her competitor in their game of witty retorts.

"You might have a sharp tongue now, but it will soon dull. I don't think you are going to win this battle, Short." Trouble remarked.

"Thinking is for those who don't know how to shoot a neutrino." Holly laughed as she twirled her weapon in her hand, emphasizing her statement.

"That's why you're the best damn female captain in recon." He had to admit, especially since she is the _only_ female captain.

"You got that right, and don't you forget it." Holly threw her hand of cards on the table and Trouble stared in disbelief. Holly won for the sixth time in a row.

It didn't take Trouble long to recover from his several loss. "New game. Everyone is in. Let's make this one more interesting." Trouble said with a sparkle in his eyes. He threw a pack of Commander Beetroot's fungus cigars in the center of the table with a smirk. The other players leaned in, gawking at the cigars. It couldn't be the real thing. Root treasured those cigars with his life. It was uncommon for him to have left a pack out of his sight.

Holly leaned back, crossed her arms and gave him a vampiric smile. "Yeah right, Trubz. I won't believe those are Root's until I see them for myself." Trouble returned the same smile and slid the pack over to Holly. She tentatively opened the package and pulled out a thin barrel shaped fungus. These were the real thing. Only one company made quality cigars like this, but it was shut down due to the fungi growing in the walls and flooring. Root managed to 'confiscate' the cigars when he condemned the factory. "May I also observe that lighter in your pocket too." Holly asked facetiously.

Soon all the LEP officers were surrounded by translucent smoke. It was becoming harder to see the poker cards in their hands. Most were surprised how easy it was to breath with all the noxious fumes in the air. After being in the company of Root for so many years, you adapt to the smell. Chix was so delighted about the cigars, he started hovering. The slow beating of his wings circulated the smoke away from the smoke detectors. It also sent the smoke into the already watery eyes of the poker players.

"How did you get these?" Grub asked, choking on his cigar. Like the rest of the gang, he wasn't a smoker. But who could give up this opportunity?

"I just went into his office and took 'em." said Trouble with a cigar sloppily tucked in the corner of his mouth.

"Oh. Root won't like that. Imagine how mad he will be if he find's out! What if he tells Mommy?" Grub pouted.

"Hey, I'm doing the old man a favor. One more pack of these and his face would be red from choking instead of from anger."

"I have to admit, Trubz. You sure know how to make a three o'clock worth our time." Holly said with a genuine smile.

It was at that moment Commander Root decided to walk in on the party. In his office, he thought their were mice in the building. Since he had a short temper for annoyances, he tracked down the noise to the storage closet that was occupied by officers, not mice. To his surprise, his best officers seemed to be enjoying themselves to some fungus cigars. It was not against the rules to smoke at work but...wait…were those HIS cigars

Root was already about to burst. Seeing his officers lollygagging during work hours was infuriating enough. Knowing they were not working to play games and smoke _his_ cigars was crossing the line. His face deepened to a dark red. When Chix saw Root, his wings froze and he cowered under the table, smashing his cigar into the ground.

The smoke was drifting towards the ceiling. Chix was no longer hovering to stop it from reaching the smoke detector. Just as the commander was about to yell, the fire extinguisher detected the large amounts of smoke and released ten hundred kilograms of extinguisher foam over the occupants of the closet. Root's face was even a brighter shade of red, it glowed through his foam covered body.

Holly and Trouble exchanged glances and simultaneously said, "D'Arvit" under their breath. Dragging both Chix and Grub behind them, they ran through the door and out of Police Plaza altogether, leaving a trail of foam behind them. It would be better to let Julius calm down and then yell at them tomorrow.

Once the officers were gone, Root couldn't help but chuckle to himself. He swooped down and picked up a cigar and lighter from the floor. He lazily wiped the foam off and lit the cigar. "Nobody touches my cigars." He said to himself as he nonchalantly walked out of the storage closet, blowing smoke rings in the air.

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**A/N: I thought that this would be a funny story, some of the officers hiding in a storage closet, betting and smoking. Just typical fun! Tell me what you think of this story! **

**PLEASE REVIEW! Reviews encourage me to right more. If you enjoyed it even the slightest bit, it doesn't take much to write a small review! **

**Almost forgot! Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Artemis Fowl characters or locations. That belongs to Eion Colfer. I only own my ideas of the stories! **

**Peace!**


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